The night before Arden turned 5 and Auburn became national champions, we got some unexpected, but exciting news. We were pregnant. Exactly one week before this news, we received some other, not so exciting news... Woody had been laid off. The combination of these was quite interesting and if thought about for too long, could be very overwhelming. By God's grace, we entered this new season of life with our trust and our hope completely in Him and He truly gave us a peace that passes all understanding. We told a few close friends and family of our news and asked for prayer that the Lord would protect this new life within me. Although excited, I was cautious, as this was our seventh pregnancy. One of my first thoughts after having the positive pregnancy test was, "I don't think I can go through another miscarriage." At this point, we had had three miscarriages, one before each of our precious girls, and so if I looked at our history and relied on my own thoughts, the outcome of this pregnancy did not look hopeful. Yet, still the Lord was gracious and I was encouraged by His Word, by friends and family that no matter the outcome, He is Sovereign, He is steadfast in His love. He is my Rock and my Refuge, I can trust Him. Over the next month, I was extremely tired and nauseous, but not necessarily as bad as my other first trimesters. Woody became super Dad as he always does, and took care of me, the girls and the house. There were even 2 weeks during this time where all the girls ran fevers for 4-5 days! This is where we were very thankful that Woody did not have a consistent job so that he might take care of our family. We looked to our first appointment with the doctor and hoped to share our wonderful news with more friends and family once it was behind us. The thought of having a fourth child had really come to excite us.
This past Wednesday was my appointment. I was 9 1/2 weeks along. The routine ultrasound was the last thing to be done. She was too quiet for too long. I've been here before. In fact our very first miscarriage was seven years ago, almost to this day. We have found out about all of our miscarriages through ultrasounds. My body has never shown signs of miscarrying and Wednesday was no different. She turned the computer screen for me to see our precious baby measuring 8 1/2 weeks, but with no movement, no heartbeat. This image is burned in my mind. I was by myself as Woody stayed home with Esther and Chloe who were still running fevers at this point. I was numb. How could this be? Things were going to be different this time. I waited to call Woody until I got back to his truck trying to fight back the tears as I made my way through the hospital. I didn't have to say anything, I couldn't, I was crying and he knew and told me to stay put; he was coming to get me. While waiting on him, I received words of encouragement and prayers from friends and family and was able to rest in the Lord. My fourth D and C followed on Friday morning and physically the recovery has been better at least compared to the last time. I still don't have a lot of energy, but I'm hoping/struggling to get back into the swing of things and be wife and mommy to our 3 blessings here on earth.
With that said, I feel like I'm just now beginning to process everything and today alone, I think I've cried more than the last 4 days combined. My heart aches, I feel empty and I still feel numb. My emotions come in waves. I think I said this last time, but these don't get any easier, if anything, it has been harder with each miscarriage, just in different ways. But the steadfast love and faithfulness of the Lord is carrying me. I can trust Him and I do trust Him. I don't understand why this would happen again, but He knows and has a reason and a plan. He has graciously given us peace and we adore Him "as being in control of everything." (1 Chronicles 29:11) In addition to all of this, Woody was supposed to start a new job on Wednesday. He called his new employer and his start date was pushed back a week- a huge praise to be able to stay with me and the girls full time for a few more days. We have also been blessed by the Body, friends and family, with prayers, meals and help with our girls.
Over the last few days, lines from a song taken from Psalm 62, have played over and over again in my head, reassuring me and giving me strength, "Find rest, my soul, in God alone."
I find myself resting in Him and I am thankful that our fourth little one is now also safe in His arms.
Psalm 62
Aaron Keyes and Stuart Townend
My soul finds rest in God alone, My Rock and my salvation,
A fortress strong against my foes, And I will not be shaken.
Though lips may bless and hearts may curse,
And lies like arrows pierce me,
I'll fix my heart on righteousness, I'll look to Him who hears me.
O praise Him, hallelujah, My Delight and my Reward;
Everlasting, never failing, My Redeemer, my God.
Find rest, my soul, in God alone Amid the worlds temptations;
When evil seeks to take a hold I'll cling to my salvation.
Though riches come and riches go,
Don't set your heart upon them;
The fields of hope in which I sow Are harvested in heaven.
I'll set my gaze on God alone, And trust in Him completely;
With every day pour out my soul, And He will prove His mercy.
Though life is but a fleeting breath,
A sigh too brief to measure,
My King has crushed the curse of death and I am His forever.
O praise Him, O praise Him, hallelujah, hallelujah.
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